Thursday, 02 July 2009

  • july

    In ten hours I'll be paddling down the Rock River in a kayak.  In 21 hours I'll be at EHOP worshipping and interceeding on behalf of the city of Elgin and my generation. I may have Friday pretty much figured out, but I cannot begin to say what will be taking place on Saturday ... let alone in just 6 short weeks.

    I'm nearly at the end of week three of the internship, and there are five more weeks to go.  But I'm already wanting to know what will happen come mid-August.  Will I go on staff at EHOP? Will I be raising support and working some parttime job?  Will I be teaching middle school kids history in some city I've never heard of, in a state I've never visited?  Will I be subbing in U-46 and at EHOP the rest of the time? Will I be able to move out of my parents house?  Will my car continue to run?  ... I have plenty of questions, and with my head knowledge I can tell you every verse that fulfills the obligated christian responses. But even with the various people speaking into my life, those scriptures about God's provision have yet to become rooted deep within me.  There still hasn't been any heart revelations concerning those things.  Does this make me a pathetic Christian?  I'm trying...but I'm doubting, ugh. doubt. what an ugly word.  I don't want to be doubting, but I  do want to know what is going on.

    I'm so stuck in living for the future that I'm forgetting to look at the present and to live in the present.   The 30 day fast is officially over (and even though I failed miserably the last two weeks of it, God extended more grace than I could have hoped for) and the past two days have been filled with joy and a new awareness of God's love and his presence.  I firmly believe He is honoring what I was able to do (Thank-you, Jesus, for that!).  Currently, God is equipping me for whatever adventure lies ahead.  Starting Monday, I'll be prayer leading two different sets...which I'm excited/nervous about.  God only knows the kind of tools this is sharpening for me.  Today was my first day of voice lessons, preparing me further as a prophetic singer.   With so many things happening right now to prepare me for whatever lies ahead, why am I so concerned about the future?  God's hand is on my life, and I am walking in His will for me - so what's with the fear?

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